Over before it began ...

All the waiting was so suspenseful!  Each day, you get different symptoms and feelings that remind you of how you felt when you were pregnant...so it's so hard to know what you're feeling?!  Is it a placebo or is my body responding to one or possibly two new additions?

Each morning I read and read more...some people tested positive after just 3 days from peeing on a stick and others didn't test positive until they got their blood drawn 10 days after transfer.

So beginning Friday, I began peeing on a stick.  Negative.  

Saturday, Negative.

Sunday, Negative.

Monday I was hopeful, since it has now been a full week since transfer... Negative.

Tuesday, Negative.  Tuesday was when I began coming to the realization that this might not be happening.  I am trying not to read into things or get too discouraged...but I really have come so far and have done everything exactly as I'm supposed to!  Made sure we were home in time for shots and didn't even travel for our milestone anniversary...I really wanted to be able to provide at least one baby to add to my sister and her family.

Wednesday, Negative.  

Thursday...the morning of my blood work!  Could it be?  Maybe the implantation just took longer than normal...will today be the day?!  Negative

So I send my sister and her husband a preparatory text message letting them know that I tested negative this morning so blood work might not be positive either.  I wish I had better news to share😭.

I went to my appointment (which was just a blood draw) and was met by my wonderful, adoring husband in the parking lot!  He surprised me and showed up with Crumbl cookies!❤️ He waited the short 5 minutes with me in the waiting room and then took me to lunch.

I think they save the bad news for last...at 4:30pm, I finally receive a call from the clinic.  Oh boy, it's a good thing I think I already knew in my heart I wasn't expecting.  So when the lady on the other end, in her super chipper voice asks, 'Are you ready for your results?!' I don't immediately jump to a positive result.  I mean...I did suddenly think, did one stick?? 

So I respond, 'Yes!' and am met with a...

"Your HCG results were less than .05, which is considered negative for pregnancy.  I'm so sorry Hon."

I wasn't shocked...although her voice and delivery sure did make me second guess things (she should work on that).  Before she jumps off, I ask what now?

She seemed taken aback by the question...but honestly, what happens now?  She said, 'Oh, you can stop taking all medication, like estrogen and shots immediately.  You should start your cycle within 10 days and you can reach out to the office if you are interested in doing another cycle.'

Okay so there it is!  Over a year of preparation...15 days of shots and estrogen, a transfer, and 10 long days of waiting...these two little embryos for what ever reason didn't attach.  I truly believe that whatever is meant to happen, will happen...that there was a reason these little embryos didn't implant.  

So, I'm preparing for the next 10 days as I come off of all this estrogen and progesterone.  From what I've read, I may have some nausea, headaches, and mood swings.  (Great). They also mentioned that this period would be heavier than normal and I might experience more cramping than normal, since my lining was made to become so thick.

P.S. I have no idea whether I will be pursuing another transfer or not since this isn't my decision to make...so for now I will take each day at a time😊

Wish me luck...I hope it all goes smoothly 🤞❤️.

25 Years...plus 2!

So now that the transfer of the two embryos is complete, I'm supposed to just resume my normal activities until next Thursday, when they draw my blood to check for HcG.  Well they actually told me to keep it at 85% of normal today, but I can resume to normal beginning tomorrow.  

Luckily for me...I think my 100% is other peoples 50% haha.  I usually work from home, but my boss happens to be in town this week, so in to work I will go!  (It also happens to be our 25th wedding anniversary today...so my favorite Grimaldi's for dinner and See's Candies for dessert, can't wait!❤️)

I will still need to take Levoxyl in the morning, two pills of estrogen, three times a day, and get my daily PIO shot at 9pm...but other than that try not to think about whether the next 8 months is going to be filled with firsts or will they be filled with nothing at all?  Honestly, I feel positive about it.  The transfer, although rough at first, ended with success!

I feel a little like I was kicked in the crotch last night and maybe like I'm going to start my period all at the same time.  No cramping though and no blood, so all is good so far!

Transfer Day!

The day of the transfer has finally arrived!  Crazy that it's taken a little over a year to get to this point!  Looking back, so much has had to happen to get us to this point...yet it seems like the time has flown by somehow?!

My transfer appointment was scheduled for 12:40pm and the office offers acupuncture both before and after to assist with relaxation, so my actual arrival time needed to be 11:40am. 

They provide some instructions that tell you to wear a "comfy shirt" and to bring socks for the transfer.  They also instruct you to drink 32oz of room temperature water after my arrival and before the transfer.  

Okay first things first...do I wear a dress?  Do I wear a shirt and leggings?  What's up with the comfy shirt thing?  I finally decide that the acupuncture will probably be similar to a massage and maybe make ya strip to your under bits...(I really didn't do much research on acupuncture before I arrived) and figured I'd probably be in a gown for the transfer so...LuLu Lemon leggings and a comfy shirt it was!

I arrive on time with my husband and promptly use the restroom as I'm instructed to do.  The acupuncturist came out very shortly thereafter to welcome me back.  I asked if there was another waiting room for my husband to be closer and she said he was welcomed to join me in the room for acupuncture!  Sweet, come on back babes!😜🥰

She welcomes me into this room, which has wall to ceiling windows and a beautiful view of the Gilbert Temple!  I was so enamored with the view that it took me a minute to notice there wasn't a bed or a table...but instead a reclining type chair covered in large pads...(the kind that you typically have under your bum after delivery).

She instructs me to sit down and take off my shoes.  As she talking to me about...who knows what I suddenly feel a small ping of pain right on the top of my head, I look over and she seems to be just going through her items like nothing happened...so I thought weird I wonder where she's going to stick these thi...(ping, ouch) I guess my ears were next!

It wasn't a lot of pain, but like a quick twinge or sting then it immediately went away.  Except for my ears...I pretty much always felt those ones (3 in each ear).

Okay so now the fun part.  She asks me to lift up my pants so that my shins could be exposed.  (Remember I'm wearing LuLu leggings...which are meant to suck you in) I reach down and do my best not to create a tourniquet under my knees folding my leggings up.

I barely felt the ones placed in my shins or toes, then she asks me to pull up my shirt and expose the part of my stomach between my belly button and my pubic bone.  (I've had a lot of kids...this is the part I call my apron aka FUPA and remember what LuLu Leggings are intended to do?  Make that part look better by disguising it!)

So I look at her blankly as I'm trying to think of a way to do this without losing circulation to my entire lower half 🤣 and without looking like a stuffed sausage!  Well after a few seconds I realized I didn't have many options...now that the needles are already in my feet and legs.  So I pulllllll down on the leggings and as expected the sausage like tummy spilled out of it.  I could only imagine what her view of me was! Haha my view wasn't good and I could only see from a downward angle...which I'm very sure was better than an upward one😜!  (I feel like I kinda gave up my dignity years ago with the delivery of my large babies...so it is what it is at this point.) Meanwhile, she's sticking six needles in the fun part of my tummy and asking me to continue drinking my water.  (Which is NOT room temperature, nor 32 ozs, but got the job done.)

After she finishes inserting the remaining needle, she covers me in one of those first aid type thermal blankets...aka a foil wrap and lets me know that she will be back, ten minutes before my procedure.  Wow- that's it?  She just sticks needles in and leaves?  Yes.  Apparently that is exactly what she did.  (I think this is absolutely normal for acupuncture. I was just unprepared and thinking of her massaging my neck or something while the needles were in...which would have been a-ok with me!)

Okay so now what?  I immediately begin to hear my stomach growl...(I guess that's a sign that it's working actually) I didn't even realize I was hungry.  So I kind of start to stare off and before I know it, I'm being awoken by the acupuncturist letting me know my sister and her family were outside in the waiting room and wanted to know if I was up for visitors.  Children aren't allowed back, but I let her know that both my sister and her husband were invited to come back with us - as long as they knew I was wrapped up like a sushi roll - toothpicks and all!

So she leaves and now it's been a solid 40 minutes since I've been laying here and my bladder is really beginning to let me know it's full.  My sister and her husband come back and chat for a bit and soon I'm realizing that it's passed the time the acupuncturist said she would be back!  My bladder is READY for this transfer to take place like...NOW.

A few minutes later, she returns and apologizes for the delay.  She asks me if my bladder is full and I don't even let her finish her sentence before blurting out YES!  I'm ready.  She smiles and says okay - that was the reason for the delay.  The woman before me didn't have a full bladder and they had to wait for it to fill.  So I assured her, we would be good.  She quickly took out the needles and then provided me a gown, head covering, and booties to put on.  She asked if I would be having a partner in the room with me and I said yes, so she handed them all booties and hair coverings also.  (The clinic was super accommodating and allowed both my sister and her husband to join us in the transfer room.)

So I walk in and lay down on the table, putting my legs into the stirrups (similar to a PAP exam).  I immediatly tell her that my bladder is ooober full.  After a quick check, she agrees and then yells "Ready!" at a decible that completely conflicted with the reverent experience thus far! 🤣

Okay so I would say the transfer experience should  be similar to a PAP...except apparently I have what is called a "high cervix" and "they don't make speculums long enough to reach my height of cervix".  (I'm not sure why I've never had a problem with having my regular GYN scraping my cervix for a PAP?!) Yet these are some of the things I heard while the doctor is digging around inside me, with a nurse pushing down on top of my tummy and full bladder with an ultrasound!  To say it was uncomfortable, would be an understatement.  I kept apologizing because I was truly in fear that I would not be able to control my bladder much longer.  (I mean, let's be real...having six children vaginally has not done me any favors in the muscle department downstairs.). The whole process was  bearable, but uncomfortable.  The doctor at one point was concerned he wouldn't be able to put the catheter into my uterus successfully so he asked for all recording to stop.  I felt kinda bad - like there was something I could have done to make my cervix lower or something?  (All my babies were high, I never dropped with any pregnancies...my doctors were never bothered about it though...maybe they just hid it better than this guy?)

Anyway after what seemed like an hour (probably more like 10-15 minutes) he found the place he needed to be and then proceeds to yell "READY"!  (Like in Austin Powers when the lady yells for her son, "SCOTT!")

A door in the back opens and a nurse quickly comes in announcing the genders of the two embryo's they will be implanting and the last name of the mother and the last name of the patient, which was me😊!

He lets the room know that they can begin recording once again and draws the attention to the screen where you can see a small flash of light as the two embryo's are released within my uterus in a small bubble of air!  It was pretty amazing to watch.  He quickly withdrew the catheter and explained that it was a success...he was able to release them high into my uterus and the rest was up to my body.

Small white spot on the top of the 

He left and I was immediately able to go relieve myself in the bathroom..phew!  I really did impress myself with my ability to hold it in!!🥳. (As you can see, I like to celebrate small wins!)

Now we wait....they said the blood test is scheduled for June 29th!

Shots in the Wild!

Okay, so today is day 5 of the Progesterone in Oil (PIO) shots and by now we have a rhythm going on.  At home, it's an easy routine.  I have decided laying down flat on my bed, face down, works the best.

As I talked about earlier, the shots gave me a lot of anxiety, so I researched and heard a ton of horror stories, but I also got some good tips too!  My main concern was pain, of course.  Which some experienced at the time of the shot, but others seem to experience after the shot.  As the PIO is being absorbed into the muscle, it can create a knot, which becomes painful.  (After literally hundreds of personal stories, posts, websites, etc...I noticed a few common themes to avoid this.)

First, make sure you're not using the muscle that it's being shot into.  If you have to stand, bend the knee of the side you're going to inject.  I took it a step further and decided to just avoid using either muscle period, so I lie down flat to avoid any flinching ;)

Second, heat the oil up by first putting it in the crease of your arm or arm pit.  It thins the oil out just enough to make it easier to inject.

Okay so...this all plays out great when we are home and I get to lie down on my comfy bed for the shot.  We knew there was going to come an evening when we wouldn't be home...and would have to do the shots somewhere else and that day finally came.

It was father's day and also one of our girl's birthday.  She decided around 7pm that she'd like to celebrate with the family at Pop Stroke, a new mini golf place about, about 20 minutes away.

We have been there before and based on how crowded it is, it can take up to a few hours to complete the two courses they had.  I mentioned that we might have to leave early because I would need to leave around 8:40 to get home in time for my shot, which didn't sit well with the birthday girl, because that meant we wouldn't be able to finish the course and if I left, the party would be over. ( I knew she was referring to me physically taking half the party with me when I left but if course acted completely flattered that I was the glue to this party 🥳.)

So agreeing with her that the party would be lame after I left...I reluctantly agreed to bring my shot paraphernalia with me. Ugh.

Okay so fast forward a few hours, it's a Sunday evening, see the course is popping... literally packed with people.  We have only made it to the 11th hole and it's 8:55.  So Phil and I let the group know we will be back, hand our clubs to the others and head out to the packed parking lot to his car.  (If you've been to this place, you know there is no easy exit from mid course!  We were walking across greens, apologizing to parties as I was praying I wouldn't eat it.)

After we made it out of the course and into the parking lot, to our car.  I suddenly realized that laying face down in the back seat, with Phil bent over on top of me...might not be the best look out in public!  I really hadn't thought it through!

So I share my concerns with Phil and he also agrees this might be more difficult than we thought.  I could lean up against his car outside...but then again he's behind me doing something to my upper behind area...and this is only for people far away!  Let's not count the fact that if anyone was getting into their car or sitting close by, they would see us with the needle, probably looking like some weird junkies!🥴

Okay, okay...think Summer!  Where can we go, we are out of time and I have to get this shot!

I look around and behind me there's a restaurant that's closed for renovations and it has two large container sizes dumpsters outside of it.  The sides of course are open with cars able to view us, but it was darker ish and I didn't see any cameras outside or signs of life inside, so Phil offered to back the car in between these dumpsters to give me more privacy and allow me to lay down in the back seat.

(Ok imagine it being dark...with all parking spaces full...so you can visualize)

Okay so plan is in motion...I'm laying down, trying to relax.  I hear a car start up close by and suddenly I feel something crawling on my feet (because I was wearing sandals and my feet were still touching the ground ew)...Phil is still getting used to giving the shot as much as I am at receiving it and he's hesitating and triple checking he's in the right spot.  So he finally injects me, but I can't stay still any longer, my imagination has gone wild and I could be standing on an ant hill with soon to be thousands of crawly bugs all over me...so I lift up my legs (using the muscles that are supposed to be relaxed ouch).  He finishes the injection (which takes a bit, because it's thick and doesn't come out super quick) and I crawl back out of the car.  

As I stand up fixing my clothes I immediately notice the car, idling with its lights on, perpendicular to us.  (Hand to forehead) I'm sure trying to figure out what in the junky heck we were doing!

Phil's trying to find the needle cover (since I forgot my "sharps" container) and I'm inspecting my legs and feet to ensure there aren't a ton of bugs crawling on me.🥴 I was relieved to know that there didn't seem to be any bugs on me anymore...(the spazzy leg lift did the trick!)

Phil moved the car back away from the dumpsters into our original parking spot and we rejoined the others taking a route...similar to our exit.  We only missed four holes and the police were never called on us...so it was a win in my book!

Although the scenario wasn't ideal...we learned a few things and we laughed a ton.  Happy Father's Day Phil❤️.

It Takes Two...

When I originally offered to become a GC I let them know that I was willing to accept a transfer of up to two embryos.  (Based on my history of carrying multiple large babies, to full term 11lbs 4 oz, 10lbs 2 oz being the two largest of my six)

At the time, it was decided by the intended parents that only one embryo would be transferred.  Again, since this is focusing on MY part of the story, I will leave out the details and reasons why, but I'm sure you can think of some of the reasons why intended parents might have some trepidation about having multiple embryos implanted.  

So, fast forward to the week prior to transfer day.  There's a load of paperwork, with a calendar and instructions for medications required, and the times at which they must be taken or injected (1Mg Estrogen 2 pills x 3 times daily, 2 CC's of Progesterone in Oil injected at 9pm daily, and an antibiotic 2 pills daily, to begin five days prior to transfer.) And there is an additional FET consent form that I must return, two days prior to the transfer, which must be either witnessed by their office staff (virtually or physically) or notorized. 

I decided the easiest option was to have a telemedicine appointment with a nurse from the fertility clinic.  The appointment was relatively straight forward, there's three - four places I am required to fill out and then sign.  She tells me what to say for each portion, except the section asking how many embryos are going to be transferred.  She asked me how many embryos are going to be transferred?  I responded I think one was discussed originally, but perhaps things have changed or they might want to add another, so I will accept up to two.  The nurse said, I couldn't say up to two, I had to match the exact number that they were transferring.  Okay, so after a quick confirmation text, I placed the number one next to the amount of embryos and signed the consent.  The nurse asked me to take a photo and send it to the office using their messaging app and to sit tight!  Once they received the FET consent form from the parents we were good to go!

As it sometimes happens right before a huge decision prayers are answered and you don't always get to pick the timing of the answers you receive.  So...I receive a call on Friday (right before the fertility clinic closes) sharing some personal insight received and asking if I would be willing to accept two embryos instead of just one.  For me, it was an easy response, "yes." 

I'm sure there are a ton of things I should be worried about, personally, but the only thing that continues to be my primary concern is having the embryo stick, so it becomes an actual pregnancy.  My hope was that increasing the amount of embryos, would increase their odds of having a baby!  Yes, of course there is a very real chance of both sticking, which I completely understand and still agreed to, but was excited to increase their odds of adding to their family.

Okay so now the new number...how do we go about changing the paperwork at the last hour?  You re-print out the paperwork, find a notary and hopefully get a hold of the fertility clinic before they prepare for the transfer, Monday morning!

With some prayers we were able to find an available notary, quickly and submit the updated paperwork to the closed office...and waited anxiously for a response.  It took over 24 hours, but someone from their staff responded on Saturday and let us know that the change had been accepted and two embryos would be transferred on Monday ❤️.

Let's do shots...

So today's the day...the day I start the dreaded Progesterone shots.  I'll start today and will need to continue until I'm 12 weeks along.

I'm not gonna lie - the thought of having a 1.5" needle stuck into the upper part of my A$$ doesn't sound exciting.  Part of the deal was that my sister would be the one giving me the injections.  What we didn't anticipate was that she would be traveling a majority of the summer, so last minute we ordered an auto-injector, so I could give myself the shots - but unfortunately it's not in yet!  Everyone in my family has a serious needle phobia, so it took a lot of coaxing, but my husband graciously agreed to try and give me the injection tonight.

These shots are required every single day, at the same time for 12 weeks!  I have to take them at 9PM every night and cannot go over 24 hours.  So if I need to push the time back, it needs to be in 15 minute intervals.  I'm not sure if there is ever an ideal time to get a shot in your behind...

**9PM SHOT TIME**

Okay, so the alarms went off and we started to fumble through this new process.  We grabbed both needles, (the 18G for drawing the progesterone in oil out of the vial and the 22G for injecting it into my booty) the alcohol prep pads, and my tide pod container, which hence forth will be known as my 'sharps' container.

All day, I've replayed how the shot would feel, (ouch) watched the video they sent a few times, and tried to do my best about how quickly it would be over.  I used a compilation of tips...held the progesterone in oil under my arm, to warm it up and decided that my optimal position would be to lie flat on the bed, bunny side up, so there would be NO muscles in use at the time of the injection :)

Phil washed his hands and I prepped the injection needle, even tapped it to get the air bubbles out and pushed until a drop came out the top!  So satisfying...okay back to the task at hand.  I laid down, Phil prepped the location he was going to inject and then proceeded to count down from 3...about three times before he actually jabbed me! hahaha the suspense was killing me! I know he felt it worse than I did!  As soon as he stabbed it in, he started apologizing.  The greatest part was, I actually didn't even feel it go in!  He just chose some random count to use the needle, like a dart to a balloon, and inject me.

Yep - didn't feel a thing!  He was pressing on the skin around it pretty hard with his fingers, so maybe that's the trick?  Not a drop of blood, he was so excited.  It was then that he realized and shared that he was supposed to pull back on the plunger before injecting to make sure he didn't hit any blood vessels, but we both agreed at this point...it was probably fine and went back to high fiving and celebrating the first shot being completed!

A huge sigh of relief, because I really didn't feel a thing.  I mean pressure, but no twinges or stings!  After about a minute, it felt like someone had given me a small charley horse in my bum...but nothing more or worse!  

So...one down, 99(ish) more to go!  Let's hope tomorrow night goes just as smoothly!

Moving on Up!

Three hours later (yes said just like SpongeBob)...I get a text from the fertility clinic.  They let me know that my cyst labs were negative, my progesterone level is like .1 or something really small (great news!)

Shortly thereafter, I get a phone call.  The woman on the phone let me know, that after further review of my ultrasound and lab work, they don't need to see me on Wednesday for a follow-up check after all.   She relayed that my lining is "fluffing up" a little quicker than expected and they would like to see me back on transfer day, which is now only a week away, June 19th!  She told me that I would need to continue the increased dose of Estrogen, as prescribed and begin taking PIO shots beginning Wednesday (June 14th) now instead of beginning on Saturday (June 17th) as originally planned.

Wow!  I love being an over achiever...I'm just not so excited about how these shots are about to go down.  Honestly, I've heard some scary stories!  We ordered an "auto-injector" for the shots...but that isn't set to come until Friday 🫤.  

I'm nervous, anxious, and excited...I'll keep you posted on how Wednesday goes!